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Different and The Same

Title: Different And The Same (Chapter One)
Rating: PG to light R
Summary: Take a look into the lives of James Kirk from TOS, Mirror Universe, and 2009. See the things that were different, and the one that stayed the same.
A/N: This is my first time writing fanfiction so please tell me what you think.

Chapter One

Disclaimer: Nothing is mine except the events and people you don't regonize

Warning: This chapter will contain a semi graphic descrption of the rape of a child. Let me be clear. I didn't write it because I find sexual contact with children arousing in any way. I wrote it because a shocking number of people are unaware of the abuse that millions of children suffer through every day. It will be bolded if you wish to skip it

Things That Were Different

The Original Series : James Kirk


Dad: His father, George was a smart, kind, funny, and devoted husband and father. Despite the fact that he was absent five months out of the year because of his position in Starfleet, it didn't stop him from loving and looking up to him. In fact his dad was his inspiration to join Starfleet. When he was home the whole family would often go camping, hiking, or swimming. He was a firm disaplinering, never letting grades or attitude slide, and punishing misbehavior with a grounding that lasted a month or more. He never wished that his father was any different.

Mom: His mother, Wionea was always there. She was caring, smart, and loving. She was a teacher over at the Elementary School in town. He knew that she missed his dad whenever he was away, but she didn't become sad, depressed, or blame her children for it. She was proud of her husband, and when he and Sam went into Starfleet, she was proud of them to.

Sam: His brother was older then him by five years. Sam was his protector, confident, and the person he most looked up to besides Dad. He helped him with homework, never minded spending time with him, playing, or letting him hang out with him and his friends. Even when he met Aruleen, joined Starfleet as a scientist, moved to Delta 5, and had Peter their relationship didn't change. They talked regularly by Halo vid, talked about their problems, were there for the others accomishments, and in general were so involved in the others life it was almost like they were still living under the same roof. In fact, looking back on it he knows that Sam knew that he was in love with Spock before he himself did. He would ask about his interactions with Spock whenever he called, never minded when he would take up a half hour or more talking about his First Officer, and more then once (much to Jims' confusion at the time) Sam would get his, "When is he going to get it?" expression. He misses his brother.

Julie: She was his sister. She was younger then him by four years. She was born disabled. She had the mind of four year old when she was ten. He was very protective of her because of this. He didn't hesitate to beat the crap out of anyone who teased her, and his parents, understanding why he got into fights so frequently never punished him for it. She looked up to him, depended on him, loved him, and was attached to him like she was with nobody else. He was the one she ran to when she had a nightmare, wet the bed, wanted to color or be read to. She would only let him brush her hair, play with her teddy bear, or give her a hug. She died at twelve years old. Fell off a tree branch she wasn't supposed to be climbing. They were home alone. He couldn't save her.


Pastimes: He loved to read. Would read anything he could get his hands on, the subject didn't matter. Sports. Hockey, football, soccer, wrestling, running track. He loved the movement. Watching the stars with Sam or Julie. He loved the stories she would make up about the shapes that the stars made.

Bullies: Sometimes he would get teased by a group of kids because of his intelligence or the fact that he was the only preteen in high school. Those times Sam would defend him. Most of the time though he would be the one defending Julie against bullies.

Tratues IV: He has all but pushed his experience of Tratues IV out of his concerious mind. He and his family had been there for a vacation. On the day they were to leave he had had a fight with his mother and stormed off. When he got back to the hotel room they had left in the shuttlecraft, probley thinking that he had returned early and was already on it. What followed was so terrifying, so inhuman that it has affected him to this day. Killing, people screaming, pleading for their lives, their children's lives. People on fire, shooting, stabbing, running running, fear, fear. Nights so cold he almost froze to death, days so hot he almost died from heat stroke. No food for days, a hunger so vast he could feel his stomach caving in, finding food the only thing for five days, the body of a woman. Finding the knife nearby, hacking off chunks and swallowing them whole, ignoring the vomit that threatened to expel it. Avoiding the soldiers, because if they caught you you were as good as dead. Beat you nearly to death, raped, cut you up, training you to kill. He killed soldiers bent on raping him, kids wanting to kill him. Ate more bodies, human, animal, fresh, rotting, it didn't matter. It was food. Getting caught by a gang of soldiers, was raped so brutally he bled for days. They almost cut his penis off, he still has that scar. Finally, it ended. His family is there, sobbing, grabbing his arms, shoulders, trying to hold him, him fighting their touch, expecting hurt, the only kind of touch he had known for three years. He was ten when it started, thirteen when it ended, and forty before the nightmares stopped.

Education: It was obvious he was a genius by the time he was four. He could read, write, complete math problems, understand adult level concepts, as well as many other things. His IQ was measured at 190. He was in high school by the time he was nine, was finished with college by the time he was sixteen, and had graduated Starfleet Academy in two years instead of four with the highest grades of any Cadet in thirteen years.

Relationships With Women

Attitude: He treated woman with respect. It was just wasn't in his nature to mistreat a woman, nor anyone really.

Sex: Those that he had sex with he always treated gently and coutsely and made sure to satisfy them, but he rarely remembered them after they parted ways. About three months into their five year mission he vaguely noticed that the woman that had previously attracted him (blonde, blue eyes, small and buxom) had less appeal to him. He was still attracted to them of course, but his attraction had moved to woman with dark brown or black hair, brown eyes, and more slender and taller in physique. It wasn't until he figured out he was in love with him, that he realized that they had all resembled Spock in one feature or another. It seemed his subconchices had been pushing him in Spocks' direction even then.

Those that had meant something to him

Ruth: She was the first woman he fell in love with. He meet her when he was twenty. She had been walking her dog, he had been running. They were together for four months. He can honestly say that he had fallen in love with her. It ended when he found out she had been cheating on him for a month.

Carol: He started to date her when he was twenty five. She had been eighteen. In the two months that they were together he developed a soft spot for her, but he can't say that he loved her. Their breakup had come on very suddenly. He had come home after jogging to find all of his stuff thrown on the street. Carol had been crying and screaming at him, calling him a bastered. Baffled, he left. He had the feeling that she was hiding something. It wasn't until years latter that he found out she had been hiding his child.

Edith: He did love her. He really did. When she died he mourned her for close to three months. After a time, however he thought of her less and less, until finally she had disappeared from his thoughts altogether. Throughout it all Spock was there. Their chess matches became more frequent, he would ask if he had eaten that day and force him to eat is he hadn't, would make him sleep if he hadn't the night before. He would spend more time sitting with him, talking about nothing in particular, reading in the chair near his bed while he worked on reports. Many times during the night he would wake up to find Spock sitting on the chair next to the bed, watching him. He always felt comforted and safe whenever he saw him. Sometimes he would have nightmares. Spock would always wake him up by holding his arms and saying "Jim. Captain, it's alright." A few times he confronted him about it, but Spock only raised an eyebrow and replied "It would be most illogical to deny that which is nessacary Captain." He knows now that what Spock had been subconsciously doing and saying was that he was trying to show him that he loved him and cared that he was in pain.

Miramanee: It's complicated. When he lost his memory, he began to fall in love with her, but at the same time he didn't feel right. He didn't know why, but she reminded him of someone one, someone who meant more to him then anything, even his own life. He enjoyed spending time with her, having conversations, and holding her. But he found himself expecting her to behave and speak a certain way, and became disappointed when she didn't. When he held her, weather it was just a hug or sex he had a strange feeling that she should feel different. She should feel thinner and hard, not curvy and soft. When they had sex, although her name would come from his lips, a different name, one that he couldn't quite grasp would pass through his head. The dreams that he had were strange. Names and faces that were blurred would float through his mind. One name and face would come to him more then the other, and when it wasn't there he found himself searching for it. When she told him that she was pregnant he was overjoyed. Then he found himself wondering if the child would have pointed ears. When he got his memory back he found that the love that he had had for her was so small that he could barely remember it, and the joy and relief that he felt upon seeing Spock was so great that it felt like a dam had overflowed.

Rayna: At the time he had thought he had fallen in love with her. Now he knows that what he felt toward her had been lust, caring, and sense of guilt. He had felt lust because she was attractive. Caring because she had reminded him of Julie with her childlike wonderment. Guilt because his subcounciess mind knew that what he had felt for Julie had never been lust nor romantic love, and it was telling him that the lust he felt for Rayna was wrong. He did know that he felt guilt because he knew that Spock was aware of his attraction toward Rayna. He could tell that Spock didn't like it, the way he never liked it when he showed attraction toward a woman. He didn't think that Spock would confront him about it, because he never had before. But then Spock uttered one word. "Forget". It seems that Spock did confront him after all.

Leila Kalomi: He knew that she and Spock had a history. Exactly what it was he never knew, but that didn't stop him from watching them like a hawk as soon as he knew they had been involved. When Spock got hit by the spores they messed up his mind and made him turn to her. He knows it wasn't Spocks' or Leila's' fault, but that didn't stop him from feeling the most intense jealously that he had ever felt as he watched them together. He actually had to physically restrain himself from ripping her away from Spock. After the spores had left Spocks' mind he heard the conversation between him and Leila and saw the expression on Spocks face. For the first time he felt doubt flood his mind. Did Spock really love her ? Even though he felt like a part of himself was dying at the thought he knew that, if Spock did, then he would let him stay on that planet and with her. After, as Spock boarded the ship he knew that Spock felt no love for her. As he went to sleep that night he thanked God that it had been so. For if it had been otherwise he knows that he either would have gone to the planet and let the spores have him, or he would have found a way to end his life. He would have sought and embraced his own death, weather it had been mental or physical.

Zarabeth: When he found out about her from Bones two weeks after he and Spock had returned from the ice age period, once again he felt the emontions that he had felt with Leila fill him. He wanted to find her and tear her limb from limb for touching Spock, and at the same time there was doubt and fear that Spock had fallen in love with her. If he had known about her before Spock had came through the portal he would have asked Spock if he wanted to stay with her. If he had then he would have gone through to that time period as well. He knows that his mind might have returned to a primitive caveman like state, as Spocks' mind had been reverting back to his ansertal state. He found that that wouldn't have mattered. He was not blind in regards to Spocks' attraction to him. He knew that Spock wanted him just as badly as he wanted him, but something, perhaps his Vulcan upbringing was holding him back. As for himself it was the fear of loosing Spock was keeping him back. But even if Spock hadn't wanted him he still would have been with him, and that would have been enough.

Antonia: He thought he had loved her at the time, but after he remembered the circumstances that lead to their relationship he knew that he had not. After he, Spock, and the rest of The Enterprises' crew had saved the Federation president six armed Vulcans beamed aboard the ship. Valeris had brought the charges of mind rape against Spock. This was one of the few crimes in Vulcan culture that was unforgivable. Spock was to be tried and sentenced as a full criminal. At the trail he had tried to testify for his bondmate by explaining that he was Spocks' captain and Spock had been doing nothing buy obeying his orders when he mind melded with Valeris. The Vulcan court considered his words to be void. They claimed that this was because he was human and had had no concept of Vulcan laws or culture when he had given the order. Spock was sentenced to 15 years on Pious East, a prison planet that was as good as a death sentence. Spock would be lucky if he survived the first hour, let alone 15 years.

He was given ten minutes to say goodbye. At the same moment they both reached for each other, each clinging to the other so tightly they would both have bruises for a month. Uncaring that his parents and the entire bridge crew was in the room Spock furiously kissed him and let their minds join. Greif, fear, desperation, love, self blame, comfort. I'm sorry Spock, it's my fault. No, you could not have foreseen this. Doesn't matter. Oh god I love you. You know how much I love you don't you? Yes Jim. As I love you T'hy'la. Spocks' hands were shaking as he placed them on either side of his face. With tears running down his face he kissed him softly and whispered, "I cherish thee T'hy'la. Never forget this." Spock then did something that proved the depth of his feelings for him. He blocked their bond, mental link, and all the feelings and memories of love and attraction that Jim had ever had for him. He did this because if he had not Jim would have felt all of the physical and mental agony that he was sure to experience on Pious East.

For twelve years the only feeling he felt for Spock was a close friendship. He chased after woman and men, and although he didn't sleep with any of them he did everything but. (After Spock had removed the block he realized that he had sought out so many partners was because their bond and link was still there. From the moment Spock closed the bond it had been reaching out, trying to locate Spock, and, unable to find him his mind had ordered his body to seek the companionship of others in the hope that one of them would be his bondmate). He began to suffer from periods of depression that would last from a week to three months. He would get terrible headaches that no amount of pain medication was able to put a dent in. He osacshily got panic attacks for seemingly no reason, and he almost died four times. (He would learn latter he experienced these symptoms because his mind and the bond had been desperately searching for it's mate. The longer the separation continued the stronger the symptoms and feelings of a damaged bond became, until finally they were so strong his mind could not suppress them and forced them upon his physical body. He also learned that he almost died because Spock had almost died on Pious East four times).

He met Antonia when he was riding his horse one day. She had long black hair and deep brown eyes. She was logical, had a witty dry humor, and was outwardly reserved but inwardly was very passionate. They had been dating for a few weeks when she moved in with him. She stayed for 12 years. At the time his feelings and reactions towards her puzzled him, for they were the same as those that he had had with Miramanee. The only difference between Antonia and Miramanee was that he did not have full sex with Antonia. This was frustrating because he desired sex, but some feeling, almost as if he would be committing infidelity, kept him from joining with her body. The dreams that he would have every night did not help matters. He never remember them but knew that they were sexual in nature, for he would wake up to the realization that he had had an orgasm.

He began to feel something in his mind calling him. It was almost something was calling to his soul. He assumed it was space and left Antonia. It was not space. It was Spock. He had been set free of the prison and was using their bond to call him to him. He felt Spock remove the block an instant before he was sucked in to the Nexus. Pain, fear, sorrow, regret, love, relief, joy, understanding, NONONONO PLEASE T'HY'LA. These feelings flowed from him to Spock and back again as the light submerged him.

Relationships With Men

Attitude: He treated the men that he slept with the same as he treated the woman. With respect and courtesy, but forgetting them almost the moment he left. However, he hardly ever seemed to feel anything for men beyond friendship or lust. Until Spock of course.

Sex: About three months into their mission, at the same time that he noticed that his female preference had changed, he noticed his male preference had changed as well. Where before he had liked his male partners taller then him, well defined muscles, and brown hair, he now preferred them to be about his height, thinner with well developed but not defined muscles, and black hair. He figured out why at the same time that he realized why his female preference had changed. For a long time he didn't mind taking a passive role with a women, but he had to be dominant with a man. Maybe it was the memory of the rape, the fear that he would be out of control, that he could be as badly hurt and humiliated as he was then. But after Spock that changed. He could take the passive role and not be engulfed by terror because he knew that he would never hurt him, never humiliate him, only love him.

Those that had meant something to him

Gary Mitchell: He had been roommates with Gary at the Academy. After about year of sharing a room they both gave in to their attraction and began a relationship. It was an open one, with both of them being free to date and have sex with whomever they chose. After a time they fell in love. In time the love on his part faded away, but on Gary's' it didn't.

First Meetings

Leonard McCoy: He meet Bones when he was assigned to his first Starship as a Secuarity officer at the age of twenty four. His leg had been broken when he had been chasing an intruder. They had become friends almost imeadtly.

Spock: The first time he met Spock was when he became Captain of the Enterprise. Despite his cold, emotionless face and voice, he liked him imeadtly. At first their interactions were normal between a Captain and his first officer, but after a few weeks, he invited him to play chess with him. At the time he wondered why, when Spock accepted his stomach leaped into his throat and his heart beat quickened.

Mirror Spock: He met the Mirror Spock for the first and only time when he and part of the crew had beamed into the I.S.S Enterprise in the Mirror Universe. He was afraid of that Spock. He could tell that he was very much like his Spock (when did Spock become his in his thoughts?) and yet vastly different. This Spock, much like His was extremely loyal to his own counterpart, would kill or die to keep him safe, was ruthless when the need arose but hated violence, and was very smart. Unlike His Spock however, he could tell that this Spock had killed many times, and would not hesaite to do so again if he needed to, that, in fact, he wanted to kill him but seemed to be holding himself back. Perhaps it was out of concern for his Captain ? This Spock seemed to be almost friends with Mirror Stonn and T'Pring, who worked on the Ship as members of their Personal Guard. He doesn't know how, but after two hours in that Universe he could tell that this Spock and his counterpart had something between them that, at the same time was more precious and dangerous in this world then it would be in his own. They were lovers, perhaps bondmates. He didn't blame Marlena for being jealous and soupioues of his Counterparts relationship with Spock. He could tell that they hid the true nature of themselves very well, but even the smallest of tells would have to slip through the cracks once in a while. From what he knew about this Mirror Universe, those small tells would be more then enough to get them killed. As he played chess in his own quarters with His Spock the night after he and his crew had been beamed back to their world, he thought of his and Spocks' Counterparts and hoped that they would not be found out. Already, being separated from Spock was becoming harder to take. He knew that it would be even worse for their Counterparts.

His Younger Counterpart: He first met his younger Counterpart when he had run into his and Spocks' cave on Delta Vega. He kept himself hidden, as he had when Nero captured their ship with a small cloaking device that the Romulans from his world had invented. He learned that Spocks' younger Counterpart seemed to hate him, that he was the Captain of The Enterprise, and that he had marooned him here on grounds of mutantaty. As his T'hy'la had melded with his Counterpart and showed him how he and Nero had come to be there, he also viewed his younger self's' memories and emotions. Because he was Spocks' bondmate their minds were always linked, and he was able to see what Spock saw. A fist hurling toward him, an angry male voice yelling, a woman's face twisted with hate and disgust, pain, fear, anger, curl stinging words that were meant to bleed, scar hitting his ears. Standing in front of judges at the Academy, black hair, dark piercing eyes, pointed ears. Feeling arousal, frustration, confusion, and amusement when he saw him, when he heard his voice. Seeing the way a dark skinned girl watched him , her holding him, jealously, anger, wanting himself to be the one comforting the one with those pointed ears. As he and Spock withdrew from his Counterparts mind he felt Spock gently transferring some of their own feelings into his younger self's mind. Want desire need love possessiveness protect die kill mine yours comfort safe trust love love T'hy'la. He laughed silently as he regarded his bondmate. You know he doesn't need those Spock. His feelings for his Spock are already just as strong as mine are for you. He felt strong amusement and affection through their bond as Spock replied, Yes I know Jim, but I thought our feelings might push him in the right direction sooner rather then later. Spock made the right decision of course, for one year after meeting Spock his younger self became lovers with Spocks' younger self.

Spocks' Younger Counterpart: He first met Spocks' younger self when he and Spock were about to board the Shuttlecraft to New Vulcan. He stayed inside the Shuttlecraft as Spock talked to his younger self. He listened as his bondmate gave not so subtle hints to his younger self about how his relationship with his own Counterpart was likely to turn out. He's skeptical Spock. He will come to his senses soon enough Jim. As the Shuttlecraft rose into the air he turned to the window and saw the younger Spock looking back at him. He rose his hand in half a wave and saw confusion, then dawning comprehension in the younger Spocks' eyes before the Shuttle launched into space.


Spock: He doesn't know when he fell in love with him. He only knows that all the times he flirted with or gently teased him, became exzerthalied when Spock responded in kind, became disappointed if he didn't. Experienced fierce anger and protectiveness when someone threatened him, felt mind numbing terror when he was hurt or in danger, was willing to do anything, risk his career, his position, his life, in order to keep Spock safe. Knowing that he liked peppermint tea in the mornings, that he loved to read novels but that he hated anything by Charles Dickens. How his mouth would turn down very slightly when he was stressed, was amused by his quirks, found talking to him or just being in his presence so interseting and soothing that there were many times he never wanted to leave. The need to touch him, be close to him, weather it was something as minor as grabbing his wrist, or something as large as wanting to hug him. Feeling jealously and anger when he thought about or saw Spock in the arms of another, seeing the light of happiness or amusement in his eyes and getting the feeling that he was floating on air when he was the reason for it. Noticing the shape of his legs and ass, the gracefulness of his hands, the deep, rich timber of his voice. The dreams. All of this should have given him a clue that what he felt for this man went far beyond mere attraction, a mere friendship, and far, far beyond a simple crush that when he finally realized that he loved him two days after Spocks' Pon Farr the look on his face prompted Bones to give him a hypo and say "Glad you finally figured it out Jim. Never thought it would take you ten years. Now go do something about it, goddamit."

Bones: He loves him like a combanation of a friend, father, brother, and mentor.


Spock how he felt: Two days after their five year mission he decided to tell Spock that he was in love with him. He called him to his room, nervous as hell because he wasn't completely sure that Spock would share his feelings. And if he didn't he might loose him. And he would rather have Spock as his friend rather then not have him at all. Because, even then, he knew that loosing Spock would kill him. When he told him Spock said in a monotone voice "Such feelings are illogical Captain. If such delusions keep pristeing, perhaps you should see Dr. McCoy." If Jim had not known him so well, he might have truly believed that Spock felt nothing for him. But he noticed that Spock was standing more straight then normal, his voice was tighter, and there were very faint lines around his mouth. This is how he knew that Spock was scared. Scared of what he wasn't sure. As he turned to go Jim desperately grabbed his hand, ignoring the shock that raced up his arm and said "No Spock. Please. Mind meld with me. Let me show you." Spock nodded, closing his mouth which had been slightly open as if he had been gasping. As they melded he felt their minds becoming one, felt wave upon wave of emotion, unable distinguish between his own and Spocks'. Love trust loyalty love love love, fear want need desire why would do anything for you, keep you safe lie steal kill die hope want you need you everything best friend brother so much more then brother my life heart soul never hurt you terrified of hurting you illogical not Vulcan love love everything T'hy'la. He felt the meld snap like a rubber band. He stumbled backward onto the bed. Saw Spock staring at him, saw his hands shaking worse then they had at Ponn Farr. Before he could move Spock had swept from the room. Two days latter he heard from Bones that Spock had gone to Gol to pursue Kolinar . He broke.

For a time, close to two years he felt half dead. Found it hard to eat, lost weight, his sleep was disturbed by nightmares. He grew thinner, paler and his eyes grew so dead that anyone would have thought he had just survived Traturs IV all over again. It was only after Bones had injected him with about 20 hypos over the course of a month did he began to eat and sleep better , as well as get some color back. He still felt dead. After awhile he started fucking to try to relive the feeling. Men, women, going down in a back alley, on a bed in five star hotel, two at once. It didn't matter. No one, no amount of sex worked. One of the women that he had a one night stand with, Lori, stayed for three months. He married her. With her, he began to feel slightly less dead, but then that feeling was gone. She moved out and divorced him. He didn't care, didn't want her to come back. There was only one person whom he wanted, someone who he didn't think about while awake, but dreamed about every night. That person didn't want him. Years latter, as he looked back on it he realized the people that he was fucking had changed from brunettes to those with black hair. Those with pale toned skin to those with medium toned skin. Even a few with pointed ears. He had been subcouncily trying to replace Spock. And it hadn't worked because none of them were him.

When he and Spock became a couple:

His family: His parents and siblings had been dead for years, but he knew they would have been happy for him. Besides, Sam had already known that he loved Spock long before he died.

Saerk: It took Spocks' father about two weeks to come around, during which time he did not speak to either Spock or himself. At the end of those two weeks he called them on the Halo vid and said, "Do you love my son Captain?" surprised by this, for he had thought Saerk had been calling to tell Spock how illogical his choice of mate was, he replied, "Yes. More then anything." Saerk had then turned to Spock and said, "Then you have made the logical choice my son." That was how both he and Spock knew Saerk was fine with it. He was so fine with it, in fact, that he was the one who performed their bonding ceremony, where they learned that their bond and been forming and strengthening for many years without their conscious will or knowdgle. Saerk was able to determine that it had been present sience the day that he had taken command of The Enterprise.

Amanda: When they told her she smiled and said, "I have been expecting this since I first saw the two of you on the way to Babel. You have taken much longer then I expected to reach this obvious conclusion Spock." He and Spock were both surprised at this. How could my mother had known that we would become lovers at that point in time? She obviously notices a great deal Spock. Amanda was also present at their bonding ceremony.

The Crew: He had thought they would have to announce it to the bridge crew, but a day after they became lovers they had all come up to them with smiles and remarks ranging from "It's about time". To "Are you married?" It seems that they had been expecting this for a long time.

His rape: They had been sleeping together for about five months. He hadn't noticed it, but every one of those times he had been on top (force of habit he later concluded). He was laying on top of Spock, kissing him when he felt Spock shift under him. Before he knew what was happening Spock had flipped him over so he was beneath him and his wrists were being held above his head. Even though there was nothing threatening about Spocks' grip he felt terror engulf him. he was dimly aware of the body on top of him quickly rising, of someone frantically calling his name. He felt something touch his face and unthinkingly lashed out. The sharp crack of his hand contacting with an object brought him back to his senses. He saw Spock pushing himself up from the edge of the bed where the blow had thrown him. there was no accusation or anger in his eyes or through the bond. Only concern for him.

"Please tell me what has frightened you so." Spock whispered as he slowly took his hand. He flinched briefly at the touch but allowed Spocks' hand to close over his. For a moment he contemplated avoiding the subject, but then realized that he could not be in a sexual relationship with his bondmate and not explain to him why he always felt the need to be on top during sex. Why he felt the need to be in control. As he opened his mouth he felt shame, fear, and anger wash over him. He had never told anyone about his rape on Tratues IV. What if Spock became disgusted with him ? What if he believed it was his fault ? "Promise you won't think less of me." He said in nearly a whisper, his voice shacking. "That would never be possible T'hy'la." Spock said just as softly. He swallowed and began.

He told how three soldiers had captured him, how they had ripped his tattered clothes off his body. How they had taken turns holding him down with a grip so tight he felt sure his wrists would break. How they had stimulated his penis with their hands and mouths, laughing and mocking him when he became erect or came. Fucked his ass with their un lubricated cocks, not stopping even when blood was streaming from his body. How one of the soldiers, angry that he hadn't become erect when he was inside him had taken his knife and tried to cut his penis off, but decided against it at the last second. Instead he cutt around his balls and penis, getting as close to them as he could get without doing any damage to them. About the shame, loathing, and disgust he felt with himself as he thrust himself into their hands or mouths. About the moans, cries, and pleas that he had issued, begging them to keep going and to stop. After he was finished Spock wrapped his arms around him and sent strong feelings of comfort, acceptance, love, and sorrow through the bond. He realized he had been stupid to think that his T'hy'la would ever think less of him.


David: Even though he didn't meet his son until he was almost thirty, he loved him right from the start. He was very proud of his son. David was so like himself, from his don't-look-before-you-leap attitude, to his intelligence, to his choice of romantic partner. When he heard that David and Saavik, a half Romulan half Vulcan, and his and Spocks' adopted daughter to boot, were lovers and were planning on performing the ritual to become bondmates in two months he laughed until he couldn't stand. Like father like son. He was angry with Carol for keeping David from him, and when he was killed by the Klingons his grief was second in it's intensity to what he felt when Spock died.

Savvik: He and Spock adopted her. She was the result of the rape of a Vulcan male and a Romulan female. Her mother had not wanted her because of her violation and had abandened her on the street within minutes of her birth. Savvik had lived on the streets until she was six years old. He and Spock had diffuctlies with her for awhile. She was angry, fearful, and weary of them (she had been living with them for four years when she told them she had felt that way because she thought they were going to use her to "Satisfy their sexual needs" as most of the men on the street had done. When he heard that he and Spock both saw red and had to control themselves from finding those men and killing them). She would eat very little yet she would steal food and hide it. She wouldn't sleep in her bed but would sleep on the floor in a corner of the room, with her back facing the wall. She had no control over her emotions (even he agreed with Spock that this was not a good thing).

She would lie to them about the smallest thing, but he and Spock both saw that this was an automatic reflex rather then malicious intent and only punished her mildly for it. She had no education, had the worst grammar and accent that he had ever heard, yet was very resistant to the schooling that he and Spock tried to provide. In time however her behaviors settled down, her emotions got under control, her accent disappeared (she still reverted to it if she was extremely angry though) and grew to love school. She also came to love them as her own fathers and was very loyal to them. In one instance a Vulcan boy about four years older and twice as large had been teasing her. He had started out mocking her blood statues, appearance, and accent, and seeing as he was getting no reaction out of her decided to turn his insults to himself and Spock. This turned out to be a hudge mistake. She had beaten the boy to a bloody pulp, not stopping until two of the Vulcan teachers had pulled her off him, still shrieking and trying to claw his face. When he and Spock came to pick her up she told them that the boy had referred to Spock as a "Unnatural traitorous half breed" and himself as "That human slut that that unnatural thing only uses for a sex toy". He didn't blame her for loosing control. He wasn't surprised that she went to great lengths to rescue Spock after his "death". He was her father after all. He and Spock both loved her like their own daughter. They miss her.

Their Own Daughter: Spock was pregnant. When Spock told him he was shocked because it should have been impossible. They had always wanted a child, and in the early years of their bonding they'd tried again and again, but it hadn't happened. Spock had the normal genatils of a Vulcan male: double ridged penis, balls, and a vaginia, but it appeared as if he were barren. For 54 years they'd accepted that they would never have children, and now, somehow, Spock was pregnant. As he looked at Spock happiness began to fill him. A child. Their child. Growing inside of his bondmate. He didn't realize he must have been standing motionless for some time until he heard Spock ask in a low voice if he wished to terminate the fetus. Shock and disappointment filled him. Did that mean that Spock didn't want a child ? He saw the emotions in his eyes as well as felt them through the bond. Fear, uncertainty, and understanding. Spock didn't want to kill their child, but he would do so if that's what Jim wanted. His only response was to place his hand on Spocks' abdomen, over the spot where their child rested, and kiss him.

Jim was laying next to Spock in the sickbay bed, both staring down at their daughter, Morgan Kirk Xtmprsqzntwlfb. She had been born one hour ago. Neither of them knew were her features came from. Her entire body, including her tiny nails and lips were milk white. Her hair and eyes were not one color, but reflected the light, causing them to shimmer color after color in every shade imaginable, like hummingbird feathers. Her ears were mostly rounded like Jims', but they curved to delacatite points at the tips, showing her Vulcan blood. Neither he nor Spock knew what their daughters mixed blood would give her. She might age quickly mentally like a Vulcan, but age slow physically like a human. She might have a humans red blood, but have a Vulcan's' physolgcally. It wouldn't matter. They would love her regardless.


His Dad and Mom: They both died in a car crash when he was twenty two. When he found out locked himself in his room and cried. He still misses them.

Sam: For a long time he felt that his brothers death was his fault. If they had received the distress call sooner, had gotten to the planet faster Sam might still be alive. Throughout all of his grieving and self blame Spock was there, just as he had been there for him after Edith died.

Julie: He blames himself for her death. Spock has seen her life and her death through their melds and has tried to comfort him. This is something that his bondmate can't fix. He knows that he will always feel responsible. She had loved and trusted him with everything that she had, and he had failed her.

Spock: His bondmates' death, well, that destroyed him in a way no other death, not even Julies' had done. As Spock lay dyeing on the other side of that glass he had been screaming through the bond, Spock no no. I love you, love you. Please T'hy'la. Please. You know I won't survive you, I won't want to. Oh god please no. Spock told him not grieve both physically and through the bond: "Do not grieve admiral. It is illogical." And, It will be alright Jim. You must keep McCoy with you. Do not end your life over me T'hy'la. In Spocks last moments they shared a Vulcan kiss through the glass. I love you. They both thought at the same moment. Then he felt the bond vanish. He doesn't know how he made it out of that room, all he knows was that he was mentally screaming into the void where the bond that had existed for twenty five years should have been. That he felt like his heart, mind, and soul was being ripped in half.

He finds himself stumbling into an empty room and sinking down to the floor, and only then does he let the scream tear from his throat and the tears stream from his eyes. Hours latter Bones uses his CMO statues to get into the room and get him to Sickbay. Despite his promise to Spock not to end his life, by the time they got back to Space dock he already had a plan in mind. If Sarek hadn't come demanding Spocks' karta, thereby letting him know that his bondmate still lived, he would have ended his life that night. He just hadn't wanted to be in a world were Spock wasn't present. After Spocks' soul had been returned and he regained his memories Spock had reminded him that, because of the bond, if he had truly died then he would died in the instant that he did. The bond would not have allowed them to be parted, even in death.

His Own: He doesn't know if his death by Nexus qualifies him as having been dead, for if death has a certain feeling to it, what he felt in Nexus was not it. The whole time he was there it felt like he was half asleep. He had a vague knowdgle of events that were happening, could feel and hear Spock through the bond, and was aware of time passing, but it didn't seem real. After he was released from Nexus he almost died for real because his wounds were so great. It was only the sound of Spocks' pleading words and the feel of fear, love, desperation, and hope that Spock was projecting through the bond that enabled him to cling to life long enough for Spock to retrieve him and get him medical attention. When his own death dose come he will not fear it, for he knows that Spock will die as well. If there is a heaven of some sort, he and Spock will be there together. The bond won't let them be apart.


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(Deleted comment)
Thank you. I just posted the second chapter in case you want to read it.

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